1 post tagged “restless nights”

What keeps you up at night?

A lot of things.  The voices.  Fear.  Nightmares.  Inadequacy.  Being alone.  Pain.

I am not ready for a lot of things.  I'm definitely not ready to be a grown-up, and I'm definitely never going to be able to fit into what society has dubbed as normal, and that does make me anxious, and it does scare me and it does make me feel incredibly, absolutely alone.  And the things that make me different: the voices that whisper to me, more clearly when I'm on the verge of sleep; the people and objects that I sometimes see that aren't there; the fact that I could do so much and haven't done anything--they keep me up for hours, tossing and turning and trying to find some sort of equilibrium.  There are things that I know... and so many others that I don't know... and all of them warring for my attention the second that I stop concentrating on everything else.  It's why I keep busy.  Why I would volunteer to work all the time or tutor people or study any number of other things.  Just anything to keep me from really getting down to the things that bother me.  To keep me from being left alone with the parts of me that I can't share.

I just want to move on.  I keep thinking that if I can just get to the place I'm supposed to be then things will be okay.  I'll sleep normally.  I'll at least be able to function in normal society.  But I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be.  And every time I think I'm close, something goes wrong and I end up even farther away.